Now I am at liberty to speak freely of what has been torturing me this past few days. Tonight we had a meeting with my Pastor and have had to hand in our resignation. This is the church I have been with through thick and thin for almost 13 years. This is the church that my husband and I have been involved in, been in ministry in some form or other for our whole married life. We didn't leave because we were offended of that the church is going off track - the church is amazing and we are very reluctant to leave it.
My son has a neurological disorder coupled with anxiety. They are guessing that his complications experienced at birth have contributed to this. My son can't handle the noise that a group of people produce - his hearing is affected by this neurological disorder - so he feels like the world is screaming at him. When he starts crashing and freaking out, the church doesn't have the facilities for me to take him out and calm him down in a calm and quiet place. Every week he cries, screams and freaks out. Every week I spend most of the time I am supposed to be in church, trying to keep him calm and quiet.
For a month in the evening we have been visiting another church, and they have an amazing sunday school program. My son loves it there. After we deal with the seperation issue, he is really well adjusted to it, and loves being at Sunday School. He talks about it all the time. My daughter glows with excitement about this sunday school. It's such a positive place for them to be. I can sit in the service and not worry about my son at this church and actually participate from start to finish without having to leave the room!
To continue to take my son to our current church would be cruel. He can't cope with it. His psychologist did recommend avoiding places he can't cope with until he has had proper treatment. We came to understand this week that his condition won't get better in a few months, it could be years before he acquires the maturity to self calm and problem solve - but at the moment we are responsible to do that for him. So we are responsible to expose him to environments that he can cope with and that make him feel safe and secure.
So tonight we handed in our resignation. Last night I felt sick, I was so worried about leaving the place where I had been for so long. I was terrified of becoming a "nobody" after being a person of influence and leadership. What if my talents weren't recognised in this new place? What if my life in ministry is over?
I spoke to a dear friend about this (whose son suffers with a similar thing) expressing my fears, my worries and God used her to fill me with such a peace about the whole thing. I feel right in my spirit that this is the next step where God is taking us. This is a part of Donna's email that I dont ever want to forget...
.....the gifts that God has given you, you will soon make your mark in the new church. The last one was just practice, you know what you need to do now. It isn't all for nothing. You've gained new skills and you've used the gifts God has given you very wisely, He didn't put you through all that only to take it away from you.
...You WILL realise your dreams of preaching, God will see to that but you have to let Him guide you. You've found the perfect church for your boy, maybe it's really where God is leading you too???
Talking with my husband about this last night, I believe that this is part of growth for me - relinquishing control on my world, and just believing that all things work together for good. I believe God is stripping me of what I am basing my identity on and bringing me into a whole new era. I have turned a corner in my walk, and now step out confidently knowing that God will never leave me or desert me.
My prayer of "God help me deal with my spirit of pride" - has come to pass. God has ripped out the rug from underneath me, and I have been placed back at the bottom of the heap. I have no one but God to rely on. No one knows what I am capable of, except him. God has answered my prayer about stretching me and growing me. This will be a time of dependence on him as we grow and travel this new road.
So this is the start of a new part in my journey. As of November I start a new path, and walk with confidence, running the race that has been set before me.